In the end it didn’t matter. I’m the one to blame. I’m the one that pulled the trigger. I’m the one who took all those lives. It hurts like hell, every time I close my eyes I see him. The monster that lives inside of me, he took over. I never knew there was so much darkness inside of me. They knew, and they ripped it out. I never wanted any of this. I just wanted to help, fight for my country. If I knew that fighting would lead to this, I would’ve stayed back.
I always wondered, why me? Out of all the people in the world, why was I the one chosen to go through hell? I never did anything to anyone. I have no reason to be a target. I look back at my old life and see all the good things I lost. I grew up with three siblings who I cared about so much. We were close, stuck together through everything. I grew up as an overachiever, back then I was an excellent athlete. Then I met him and we became best friends, We stuck together for years. I was happy, I wish I could remember that feeling.
I’ve hurt so many people, I never wanted to hurt anyone. I didn’t want this life. It’s hard waking up every morning. I get up and the first thing I think about are the many lives I’ve destroyed. It took a toll on me. I constantly think about ending it, what’s the point? What good am I? I bring nothing to this world but death. Maybe it’s time for my death. Taking my life would destroy him but it would also save him from the black hole that is my life.
Everywhere I go, darkness and chaos follows. I hate that I caused problems for him. All he wanted to do was save me. He doesn’t understand that it’s too late. He went through all this trouble to save a lost soul. I can’t be saved. I’m too far gone. He wanted to fix me but you can’t fix what’s beyond repair. I’m dangerous, unstable, deadly. I could end up killing more people and that’s the last thing I want. I live in a world where everything I once knew is gone, they’re never coming back. I had a family, I had a life, I had happiness. I was a good person who was taken advantage of. I would do anything to go back in time, but I can’t. There’s no way that I can turn back the hands of time.
I thought about the concept of revenge. Revenge for all the horrible things they did to me would be nice, but that would fuel the darkness. If I were to track all of them down and slowly take their lives, I would be the monster again. I can’t do that but they deserve to pay for what they did. I have to be the stronger person, the one that overcomes the darkness. Is that possible for me? Can I live a life where the light outshines the dark? Would he be proud of me? What am I thinking? I can’t be happy. Happiness is the last thing that will come my way. If I kill them, he doesn’t have to know. I can do it quickly and not worry about anyone asking questions. I could easily lie, say that I didn’t do anything. But it wouldn’t feel good lying to him after everything.
Before all this started back up, I kept to myself. I kept a low profile. I finally got to live some kind of life after everything. I would walk around town and see couples walking down the street. I would see families eating, laughing, smiling. Those were beautiful sights. Back then we used to talk about what our futures would be like. We would sit around for hours, just talking about the wonderful life we would have. The adorable children we would have. That was the plan, but things don’t always turn out the way you want.
I want all the things that normal people have. Love, happiness, stability, a family. I can’t have that, I’ll never have that. How could someone love me when I don’t love myself? I hate what I’ve become and there’s no going back. How can I be happy when my mind isn’t my own? I’m the monster. I’m the murderer. I’m the darkness inside of me.
In the end it didn’t matter. I’m still the one to blame. I’m still the one that pulled the trigger. I’m still the one that took all those lives. I am the stone cold killer that they created. There’s just no escaping who you are inside.
RealisticDreamer 