So I know what you’re probably thinking, one look at this title and now you think you’re about to read some depressing piece about how Christmas is the worst and happiness is a lie and the whole shabang. WELL, you’re not a hundred percent wrong. Christmas is great, it definitely has its upsides like not having to work, wearing pajamas all day, food. BUT it also has its downsides like missing certain loved ones, not having a traditional familial Christmas like everyone else, food.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas and I always will but lately Christmas at the James household haven’t been what they once were. I used to wake up super early with one thing on my mind: opening presents. Not stuffing my face with pancakes and bacon, nope tearing open gifts and seeing what I got was the one thing on my mind like it was for most young kids (and some adults) but afterwards just sitting in the living room with torn up wrapping paper covering the floor and family members spread across the room talking and laughing, that was the best gift of all. Now of course there were some missing pieces, a dad that was never around, having a younger sibling that is nowhere near your age but you forget those things when your around the people you love and for a while I did that. But as the years went on, things and people changed. Year by year the James household got smaller and smaller until where it is now. 1. 2. 3. That’s it. A house with 15 rooms (that’s including bathrooms and unnecessary rooms. We’re not rich, we just have this big house for literally no reason) just for 3 people. Now of course we do have a couple people come over who we consider family but at the end of the day, they leave and do other things that don’t involve us.
If I’m being honest, I don’t even know where I’m going with this or why I’m even writing it. What I wanted to do was count down the seconds until December 26th hit and I could go to work and forget about feeling sad during the holiday season. That and season two of YOU comes out on Netflix, that show is amazing by the way you should all check it out but also read the book series it’s based on by Caroline Kepnes, that woman is a genius with a pen. ANYWAY, I was in bed scrolling through Instagram like I always do (@Sexi_Lexi_33 btw) when this wave of sadness hit. I looked around my room and realized that I was sitting alone in the dark with an empty plate of food watching a cheesy romantic Christmas movie on Netflix (Let it Snow, cute movie by the way) on Christmas day instead of sitting in the dining room laughing and spending quality time with my family like we used to years ago. That realization sucked. But what sucked even more was that there was nothing I could do to change that. My family was never going to go back to what we once were. No amount of crying, therapy, or family talks can change that. And then you know how it goes, you think about one terrible or sad event that has happened in your life and suddenly every single terrible thing that has ever happened to you just floods your mind until you’re this blubbering mess who can’t see through their tears asking “Why me? What did I do to deserve this?” And while there is no one there to answer your sad questions, you start wondering where the hell did I go wrong? Then if you’re like me and most other human beings, you start to pinpoint certain key moments in your life where maybe if you did something different your life wouldn’t be the way it is now. Like for example, if I never cut my hair out of boredom back in 4th or 5th grade would I be happy now?
This is starting to end up like a rant and that’s totally not what this is even though I categorized it under rant, I just wasn’t sure what exactly this is. I honestly don’t know where I’m going with this. I just got very sad all of a sudden and then found myself in front of my laptop but keep in mind this does not mean sadness equals creativity. Nothing about this piece is creative lol if I’m being honest. This is just a 19 almost 20 year old girl sitting in her pajamas reflecting on the holidays.
There were some good parts to the day of course, I slept in and didn’t have to worry about my alarm going off or getting to work on time. I’ve been late my last few shifts but only by a couple mins honestly, I’m derailing never mind that. I got to see smiles from my brother and nephew when they opened their gifts. I got to lounge around and do nothing and not feel bad about it. I started reading a book that I’ve been putting off because I was always busy and tired. I haven’t gotten back to writing my novel but that’s a different story. My boyfriend but now ex-boyfriend got me this really cute necklace and I ate a lucky charms breakfast bar at 3pm. So yay, Merry Christmas to me, right?
As the year (and decade) comes to an end, I’m just realizing that I’m not really living the life I always pictured myself living at this point. As a kid, I couldn’t wait to graduate high school and move to New York and go to college there and start my writing career with my boyfriend who I thought was about to propose. But that’s not where I am at all. I’m still in Philadelphia at the college I didn’t want to go to with a job that involves making children happy (and anyone who knows me, knows I hate children and don’t want any EVER) and I’m single even though I literally just became single a couple hours ago it still counts though. I know I’m still young and anything can happen but idk with the way I’m feeling now, it feels like I’m trapped with no way out. And I’m not being dramatic (which is something my grandfather would say to make me feel bad about myself) it’s just how I feel and right now there is nothing I can do to change that. I’m sure a few months from now, my life will do a full 180 and I’ll be writing about how amazing life is but who knows.
While I’m sad for myself and where I’m at, I’m also really happy for my friends who are having a good time with the people they love. Most people would be jealous that they are spending time with family on Christmas and they aren’t but that’s not me. Or at least not me anymore, I’ve definitely grown and matured over the last few years when it comes to people having things that I didn’t. Instead of temporarily hating them and being passive aggressive (yeah I know, I wasn’t a fun time a few years ago) I’m happy that they are happy with their families and I can’t wait to hear about all their amazing gifts and what they did.
I hope whoever is reading this whether you’re with family and friends or it’s just you alone in your room, I hope you had a lovely Christmas and remember all the important things in life even if it seems like there is nothing, trust me there are important happy moments to think about. I know this ending is kinda cheesy but I’m at the point where my brain doesn’t know what to write anymore so I’m kinda just bullshitting at this point, but it’s okay because we all bullshit at times, it’s what makes us human. Okay I’m done. Merry Christmas.
RealisticDreamer 