Crisis Mode.

Disclaimer: I never thought that you of all people would turn my pain against me.

CRISIS MODE: NOW ACTIVE

Crisis mode equals survival. 
Doing whatever you can to get through the days
When all you want to do is crawl into a shallow grave.
Crisis mode occurs when back to back catastrophes hit at once. 
And you think you’re stressed? 
How the fuck do you think I feel? 
I have not known peace since October ‘21. 
It is now September ‘22. 
Almost a straight year of catastrophic events.
Every month another tragedy strikes.
That affects a person. 
Not that you really seem to care. 
Yes, everyone goes through hardships but not everyone goes through 11 months of continuous pain. 
Every time you rise to your feet, the rug is pulled from under you once again bringing you to your knees
Creating new bruises to join the old ones. 
A constant vicious cycle of emotional torment. 
You don’t know what that’s like. 
But I apologize that I put my survival above all else, how selfish of me. 
I apologize for the inconvenience my emotional distress placed upon you. 
I’m sorry for trusting you with my problems. 
I’m sorry I couldn’t schedule my breakdowns around your life.
I’m sorry I let the death of back to back loved ones and racial discrimination get to me. I should’ve known better.
I’m sorry that I’m still healing from “the incident.” I should just get over it though, right?
I wholeheartedly apologize for thinking I had someone that I could turn to when I needed a shoulder to cry on. 
But I’m not sorry for always offering my shoulder to you and you refusing to take it.
I’m not sorry that I’ve given you opportunities for you to bare the weight of your burdens on me and yet you chose to keep them to yourself. 
I’ve tried to have equal moments of emotional bonding with you but you turn them down
So it is not my fault that my emotional state outweighs yours.
It’s not my fault that I’m comfortable talking about how I feel while you refuse to let yourself do so
I know that it’s not something you like to do and I don’t fault you for that.
But you have no right to fault me because talking helps me.
It didn’t always help me, and you know that. Let’s not act like you don’t.
Because of you I’m no longer comfortable opening up to you. 
You turned my weakest moments into blades, stabbing me with your vicious words of anger.
Moments of vulnerability where I came to you detailing the ways I was hurting, just for you to throw them back in my face purposely hurting me more.
I hope that made you feel better. 
I hope that you found peace in me being your emotional punching bag. 
Because of you, there’s a fracture between us and I truly don’t know if it will heal properly. 
For that I am sorry.

CRISIS MODE: NOW AVERTED 

(It only took 11 months and 23 days. Incase you didn’t realize.)