phases of me.

There’s another side of me not many see.
She’s not someone I want people to know.
She’s dark and twisted.
Manipulative and evil.
But she’s also hurt.
She lives within a version of me who enjoys life.
I have dreams and goals that I’m working towards
I want to build a life with someone close to me
I want to watch the ones close to me flourish
But she wants to die.
Isn’t that fucked?

Mental illness is a strange concept.
Every part of your body wants to grow.
But the mind wants to shut down.
How do you fight that?
That’s the million-dollar question. 
The most brilliant minds die trying to find the answer. 
Mind vs Matter, the hardest battle I’ve ever endured.
The strength it takes to fight your own mind day after day.
The restless nights become the normal routine.
The one that’s supposed to be on your side for life.
Is the very one that wants you to end your life.
Over time you learn to build a switch, shutting your mind off just to survive.

I work so hard to keep her at bay, but she’s a fighter.
All she knows is struggle and violence.
She’s never learned peace and kindness.
I’m trying to teach her; I have been for years.
She believes life is pointless.

Why are we here on this floating rock?
There’s no purpose, we live and struggle.
Just to eventually become one with the rock in the end.
“That’s life, right?
“Wrong.”
“What am I without my struggles?”
“You’re beautiful with all our battle scars.”
“We’re broken.” 
“We glow like the moon. We have our phases, but those phases remind us we are whole.”