Thief.

Happy Wednesday!

I disappeared completely, life’s been a lot and I haven’t really been handling it well and honestly writing has been the last thing on my mind. I’ve tried to push some writing out of me, but it was not working and I’m very big on not forcing myself to write or create anything if I just don’t have it in me. But I’m coming out of that funk a little and I want to get back to my writing projects that bring me so much joy and relief.

This is a two-part story that I’m telling through poetry, I wrote this first piece a little while ago and I added it to my last poetry book “Love & Loss” and it’s one of my favorites that for a while I didn’t want to share for certain reasons but it’s such a powerful piece and writing it helped me through a really hard time. I hope this piece can help other people the same way it did for me. Let me know what you guys think.

Disclaimer: No further questions shall be asked. Nor will they be answered. 

This is for the one who never healed. 

You stole from me.
You broke in.

Took what you wanted.
Left me disheveled and bloody.
I trusted you. 
I gave myself to you willingly before.
That was my first mistake. 
To you that meant it was an open invitation.
Whenever you want, regardless of consent. 
I was your property, not your lover.
How could you do this to someone you loved?
Why were you never gentle? 
Did I upset you? 
Was I doing it wrong?

It’s been years but it quietly haunts me.
Some nights I wake in cold sweats.
soft aches replace the healed bruises. 
Flashes of you appear in the midst of exploring new lovers.
They ask what’s wrong.
How do I tell them? 
So, I don’t. 
I don’t talk about it. 
Don’t get it twisted, 
I don’t fear you. 
I never did. 
I fear what you did. 
No one deserves that. 

Does she know you’re a thief?
Do you steal from her?
God, I hope not. 
I told her what you’re capable of.
Despite knowing, she still loves you.
I can’t force her to stop loving you. 
Maybe you’re gentle with her. 
Maybe you learned to love with tenderness.

On one hand, I applaud you. 
It’s not easy for a man to turn against their violent nature.
But on the other hand, I resent you.
You tricked me with words and actions of love. 
Using my love for you as a way to get what you wanted. 
I stopped believing the charming words that came from the mouths of men who meant well.
The sweet syrup in their soothing words, laced with a paralytic toxin that could leave me prisoner under them. 
A passenger in my own body forced to watch as I’m used as an object of pleasure. 
Then tossed aside when done with, 
Filled with their essence and shame.
You did this to me.
I know the guilt that plagues you.
It haunts you the way you haunt me.

I pray you never have a daughter.
How do you look into the eyes of the young girl you created knowing what you did to someone like her:
Young, naive, and full of love for you.
I hope that eats you alive. 
Leaving nothing but regret and remorse.

When you finally pick up the phone, 
Dialing my number and hoping I answer
Know that I won’t. 
Know that I will leave you to drown in the same shame that you smothered me in when your hand pressed against my mouth silencing my cries for help.
Leaving you to pray to that merciful god above hoping he grants you the mercy that you never gave me.